


To Rewrite The Stars

by Bi_stalar



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, It’s kind of a song fic guys, M/M, Mutual Pining, Shadowgast, What’s sexier than wizards NOTHING, especially gay wizards in love, let the wizards know they can be loved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:55:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24116134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bi_stalar/pseuds/Bi_stalar
Summary: If he could change the past, and alter reality more than he already could, he would. But no one can rewrite the stars that drastically.Caleb and Essek do some reflecting on their relationship and eventually the walls come down.
Relationships: Caleb Widogast/Essek Thelyss
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	To Rewrite The Stars

**Author's Note:**

> SO I LOVE THE GREATEST SHOWMAN AND IM SUPER GAY FOR ZENDAYA   
> This is so self-indulgent like I cant tell you how long I thought about how this fic should go.

Caleb stared at the drow sitting at the other end of the bar. Essek was looking deep into his tankard of ale. One would not think the former shadowhand to be much of a drinker, but after some time spent with the Mighty Nein, Essek had loosened up, and found he rather liked drinking. Essek seemed to notice he was being watched, glanced up and looked around, but by the time he had glanced at Caleb, the human had returned to staring at his own tankard. But a blush fell across his cheeks anyway. Caleb glanced up to see the drow, looking into his drink again, blushing as well.

A few nights before Caleb had tried to tell Essek about how he felt, and Essek had told Caleb not to waste his time on him. It made Caleb frustrated, because even after a month or so with the Nein, he still hadn’t felt worthy of acceptance, or trust, or friendship. It hurt Caleb to see his former self in the drow, and it made him want to pull Essek out of the pit he’d put himself in. 

Sometimes Caleb dreamed of an alternate reality, where Essek was not tearing himself apart from his friends, _their_ friends, no matter how much Essek wanted to deny it. Caleb always dreamed of rewriting reality, bending it to his will. So who’s to say he can’t rewrite the stars? They’re nearly inseparable at times anyway, when they’re working on some arcane spells. What if they were together?

Essek, sitting at the opposite end of the bar felt a gaze upon him. He looked up, and noticed Caleb staring decisively at his drink, his freckled cheeks red. Essek looked back at his tankard as well, assuring himself that the warmth he felt in his face was just the alcohol running through his veins. 

He’d dreamed as well, of a life in which he was allowed to be truly happy. When he’d joined the Mighty Nein on their travels, he still felt no guilt about stealing the beacons but he also felt irredeemable, which after some talking to Caduceus, meant he did feel guilty. And so he began the process of trying to accept that he had done something terrible, and had caused the deaths of so many. And it hurt and sometimes it caused him to dig himself and deeper and deeper into his pit of self hatred. Several times he almost left the Nein, convinced that he deserved to be alone. 

Caleb always brought him back, he’d have an idea about a spell, or some arcane question, and it put his mind on a different track. Sometime he’d find himself feeling faintly happy when he and Caleb were shoulder to shoulder, and then he’d feel his walls unwillingly come up, because he knew he wasn’t allowed to feel that way.

If he could change the past, and alter reality more than he already could, he would. But no one can rewrite the stars that drastically.

Nights later, a’fter a heated argument between the two wizards, which started off as a disagreement about a spell component and ended with Caleb hissing “Maybe it’s because I love you too much, _verdammt!_ ” He turned and left the room in a rush, which was a problem because they were sharing this room in the inn for the night, it kind of slapped Essek in the face that maybe he could let his walls down, and let someone care about him. 

When Caleb came back, a little drunk, he found Essek sitting quietly on his bed, staring at his hands, clasped together in his lap. When Essek didn’t move, Caleb sighed and turned towards his own bed and began to get ready to sleep, stripping down to his night clothes. There was a creak from the other bed, and the sound of soft footsteps, and then Essek was standing next to Caleb, and he said “I’m sorry, I just- I don’t know how to- I can’t- What I’m trying to say is… I uhh…”

Caleb cut him off, “I get it, you don't feel the same way, it's not professional, it would just -“ 

And then he was cut off with a firm but short kiss on the lips from the drow, who then took Caleb by the hand and sat down on the bed again. “What I’m trying to say is, I can say that I feel the same way. And that I want this, but I know I shouldn’t have this,” he said, gesturing between the two of them with his free hand. 

Caleb nodded, “and you can have that, remember, when I joined up with these people, I was a broken man, determined to alter reality to fix my broken past, but they taught me that some things were meant to be- making friends, losing friends, battles won and lost, sometimes you change the outcome of a war. But it was meant to happen, and you can’t change that.”

“You made your decisions, and the fact that you’re this torn up about how people should treat you means you _do_ regret what you’ve done. But you can't change what’s happened. And you shouldn’t dwell on the fact that it happened, but you can improve, not just yourself, but those around you. You’ve certainly changed me.”

Essek sighed, “Thank you, Caleb.” 

And from that moment, the two of them would soar, their fluidity in battle, protecting each other and their friends so synchronized beyond a combination of any other two members of the party. Essek continued to teach Caleb dudamantic magic, and Caleb taught Essek how to create his own spells. The odd thing was Essek didn’t know how to cast ‘message,’ and so Caleb gave him a copper wire and he learned, and they could communicate from across rooms and between walls. 

Often enough they’d be there to pick each other up, sometimes literally, if they would fall in a battle, or when one would fail to comprehend a spell, and sometimes one of them would have a day spent too much in their own mind, and the other would bring them back to the present, back to the Nein, where they would remember they had friends, a family even, that they could rely and depend on.

So Caleb and Essek learned the stars could be rewritten, just not in the way they had originally thought they could be. They were rewritten to become not a whole new form, but a better, more aligned, a more complete constellation.

**Author's Note:**

> FUN FACTS:  
> This was originally Widomauk.   
> This originally had each individual lyric put in and then i thought that writing that would be too hard so I started over and it became Shadowgast.  
> I’m super fucking gay for Zendaya.   
> I did listen to the song on repeat while writing this, so i tried to incorporate the message of the verses as I was writing. 
> 
> Kudos, comments and bookmarks are appreciated!


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